(POSTED Dec 20, 2007)
'Is there a doctor in the house?’
“You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn’t even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something….You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That’s the kind of help you need! Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man! That’s what I’m talking about because that’s the only way you’re going to get better.”… Jerry Seinfeld to George Costanza
In the far outer reaches of my right hemisphere, I dig deep trying to dredge up anything from my Psychology 101 class of many years ago. I find nothing but dusty stats from the ’72 Dolphins and, for some bizarre reason, the license plate number from the girl I loved (stalked) in the fourth grade (FHJ111). I have Googled everything from anxiety disorders and multiple personalities to schizophrenia and restless legs syndrome and still have absolutely no clue as to what has happened to the Utah Jazz.
Nine games ago, the Jazz were rated as high as number two on some of the power rankings. There was all-star talk and even MVP talk. Every game was in reach. They could have won every single game but walked away with just that… one single game. Their rankings have since dropped like a Jarron Collins flop and their total collapse reminds me of some old Vegas hotel brought down by synchronized explosive charges. In nine games they have gone from Big Man On Campus eating at the cool table to Computer Nerd With Headgear eating with the stage crew.
Each game has been particularly painful like some white-hot festering bunion. As each loss has merged into the next, I am reminded of the time I gave birth to, what seemed like, a two-pound jagged kidney stone that looked like a meteorite from the depths of Hell. The only thing that got me through that was an IV full of Morphine in the emergency room.
I could go back through each and every game but why should we when they have all been the exact same game. At this point I would rather take a blowout loss than one more last-minute choke job. Eight of the last nine games have been as predictable as a Gilligan’s Island re-run. Here is a portion of my notes from the last minutes of the Charlotte game but again, they are almost interchangeable with any of the other previous losses.
5:44 remaining Jazz leading 86-74
Boozer sags off Mohammad who scores on him
D.Williams throws it away-Jazz get it back-shot clock violation
Brewer missed shot
D.Williams almost turns it over then misses lay-up
Brewer’s shot blocked
Brewer traveling - turnover
Charlotte outscores Jazz 18 to 6 in the final 5:44
Charlotte goes on 13-0 run in 2 minutes and 20 seconds!!
Jazz lose 98-92
Deron Williams is better than that. Ronnie Brewer is better than that and we all know that Carlos Boozer is better than that. I still think this is a great team led by great players but they need to yank this ugly monkey off their backs. I think it is all mental. Pink Floyd sang that “the lunatic is in my head…there’s someone in my head but it’s not me…. and if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes. I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon” I don’t think the Jazz are quite to that point yet but if they don’t exorcise “the lunatic” soon even the Morphine won’t kill the pain.